Too many Questions, Too many Answers & no Clear direction

The future was exciting as a child. Growing up meant getting your first kiss. Growing up meant getting a license and a job. Growing up meant leaving home and becoming an independent (sort of ). It was full of new things and new people. Opportunities to discover and fail and succeed and stretch your limits.

Unfortunately too many things pop up that squash your hopes and dreams. They take the wind out of your sails. You scramble sometimes and don't know what to do. You miss deadlines and loose the job or the cash or the chance to do something you thought you would never do or never achieve. No one can give you answers and you wonder why you wanted to grow up in the first place.

Well that is part of getting older. You learn as you grow. You don't always do things right the first time. Things don't always turn out the way you thought they would when you were a little kid. That is how I feel right now, but it isn't a bad thing, just confusing.

I know God called me to ministry, but one semester away from graduation I don't know what that means for the millionth time since I was called. Now it seems more scary. It isn't just me anymore. I have a husband I have to think about and he has plans and dreams too. We have families and friends that we don't want to leave. There are too many options and too little solutions.

I have been trying to get into seminary for a long time and things keep coming up. Papers aren't in that I thought were. I need something else every time I turn around. There is tons of paperwork to fill out and tons of scholarships to apply for and of course all of those come with lovely deadlines. I'm stressed out about it. I don't know if now is the time to go to seminary or not. I know I need to and I want to but I wonder if God is trying to turn my attention to something else right now. Should I take a year off from school and gather myself? I could work in a church maybe and get some real experience. Should we move away from our families and friends and learn to live by ourselves for awhile? Should we move back to my hometown or Aaron's?

I. Don't. Know

All I want is to know what God wants me to do for Him, for the kingdom, for us. I want everything to be okay. I want it to be dreamy and full of excitement like when I was little. When did the unknown become so scary? I remember being a brave kid. I got knocked down and you get right back up. What happened to her?

Well I don't have anything to offer right now, but I am seeking to find out. I am going to start with God and focusing on Him and this final semester. I am going to work my butt off so I can take some weight off of Aaron and be able to provide for our future after IWU. I am going to do what I can about seminary but not pull out my hair over it.

If there is one conclusion I have come to after 21 years of life it is this; Not ever choice is either/ or. You can come back to the fork in the road you went left on in the past and then see where the path to the right leads.